A Year Makes 
June 22, 2017, 2:20 am
Filed under: Family Life

My post last year on Fathers Day, and a friend commenting from this year.  Oh what a difference a year makes.   Please keep praying for all of us.  Doug is lost, he has forgotten who he is, whose he is, and listened to lies. 

A Gift 
June 21, 2017, 4:15 pm
Filed under: Family Life

Solomon is improving every single day. He is smiling, reaching, and kicking his feet. We know we have limited time with Sollie. We have no idea how long he will live. Everyday is a gift, but that is especially true for this one. I cannot imagine ANYTHING that would make me give up any of those days. #gambillbeautyfromashes #sollieissoloved 

Beauty from Ashes (and bed quilts)
June 21, 2017, 11:33 am
Filed under: Family Life

This also gets posted. I want to remember not just the most ugly part of evil attempting to ruin us, but then not just the good either, because Lord knows what he chose was not The Good. My God will redeem it for Good, but the process is HARD my friends. This is my bed, full of children who are breaking, not just once but over and over and over. The nights seem to be the hardest. We are tired and it takes effort to just get through the day. Building a whole new life with no notice, and missing two people whom you thought to be your biggest pillars of strength and truth, it’s hard. But my will to show them that love is alive and well and still chosen to be lived by us is so much stronger, for today at least. Forming beauty out of our broken hearts is not for us to do, but it is for us to ask for; receive; give thanks; and share. This bed was used in a set up to destroy us, and yes the most terrible happened. But the redemption will be much sweeter. Redemption is always bigger than the breaking. This breaking was the biggest I had ever known. It has been bigger than hospitalizations, surgeries, illnesses, and even death. We held onto our promises to God and each other through all those things. I know these grievances of pain against my children, I was familiar with their threat. We loved each other through them. So instead, not dressed in the familiar of autism or ventilators, but of a good friend in need, who hugged my children, and comforted me when I cried. I quite literally opened my door to HELL, dressed and disguised as love, but underneath was putrid with a rotting soul. I’m sharing too so it is documented well, the beginnings of our better way together. Because it will be so full of good, that maybe it will even be unbelievable. So once again, I write to save my life, and once again I will have my own trusted heart words to read and remind me always of the TRUTH; that my Christ never left us, and can redeem anything you ask. #2017gambillsummer #gambillbeautyfromashes

Bathtime swimtine 
June 21, 2017, 11:30 am
Filed under: Family Life

Just gonna apologize now… then it’s gonna be shameless posting for the foreseeable future. I’ve gotta keep the GOOD out in the front. Saturday swimming bath-time has arrived!

#theawesomegpossums #2017gambillsummer

Soaking Sollie 
June 21, 2017, 11:27 am
Filed under: Family Life

Sollie enjoying a good soak. I get these moments, Thank God

The Wind 
June 20, 2017, 5:40 pm
Filed under: Family Life

The wind is hard for me these days. So is sunshine and leaving the house. When he left, nursing was not set up yet, so until it is I can’t really leave the house anyway. Solomon shouldn’t be toted around too much, and I don’t want to go outside anyway. Walking to the mailbox is hard. 

This move to Florida was mainly for Doug and I. They offer more nursing and the housing is much less expensive. The weather is much better, allowing more opportunities for outings, and where we chose to live is close to amenities.
After the last 6 years and all the trauma, we needed a break. We thought that moving would do that, and we could finally get some rest and just enjoy each other and the kids. The sunshine, the ocean breeze, is bitter to me now. It is a reminder that he is not here, and never will be. He is lost in a fantasy world where he tells himself lies until he genuinely thinks they are true. The first time he left, he had convinced himself that I wanted out of the marriage and away from the kids. I proved him very wrong on both accounts, but I’m sure new lies swooped in to take their place as quickly as I rooted them out. He was not guarding himself against further deception, and as a result fell prey to her.  

Our love was not a lie. Our life was not a lie. How could I fight a battle that I had no idea I was in?  

I hope that someday I can function, but honestly I don’t know how. I break into heavy heaving crying and wailing spells with no waning. I cannot eat, it literally makes me sick. I cannot look out the windows at the swaying palm trees. I have made myself a little spot in my closet, It is the safest place for me to be in the very few moments I have alone. Even the absence of his clothes is enough to make me gasp to inhale. How am I ever going to go through our packed up pictures? I miss him so intensely that it burns in my chest every waking hour. Losing him has been the most intense pain I have ever felt. How am I supposed to make doctors appointments and talk to lizs teacher when I can’t even steady my voice? 

I have no choice but to believe that this will not last. If I did not believe that, I would let go of the cliff side that I am currently clinging to. Trying to guard against sheer misery with no warning all day long is so exhausting. Somehow I hold on, I get up for the fifth time st night, after going to bed at 12:30, only to get up at 5:45am to get Aaron and Liz ready for school and get the rest of the kids ready. The day Doug left Malachi had an intense dysautonomic spell and I had to call the squad. He is still at the hospital. He is ok, but I can’t bring him home until we have nursing set up. How could someone I love so deeply abandon us like this? Did he think I would not forgive him? Did he think that he was too far gone? Did she convince him that I was a horrible wife? How would she know what a good wife is, she is married and preying on my husband after all…

She wanted my husband, but she will never get him. Even now, as she takes up residence living with Doug, in his fathers house, she will never have him. The Doug I knew was kind, gentle, loving, devoted and faithful. The version of Doug she has twisted him into includes deception, cruelty, dishonestly, perversion, manipulation, anger and weakness. She will never have the man she was after, because in the process of getting him, she destroyed him. 

I had the best of him, and there is nothing left of the Doug she was after. I pray for them constantly every moment they come to mind. Neither of them know love, it is drowned out by selfishness, which is the opposite of love. So now I will go hold Sollie and remember love again.  

June 19, 2017, 6:48 pm
Filed under: Family Life

Yep. 3am. This one has lots of questions. Please form an army of prayer and protection for our family. I got the best parts of the entire deal though… my children.