growingupgambills


Triggers 
June 27, 2017, 12:03 am
Filed under: Family Life

Many traumatized children and kiddos with autism have triggers.  It is basically something that they take in with one of their senses, a smell, a sight, or even a feeling.  Whatever it is, it than causes a chain reaction of emotion because the brain associates the trigger with trauma   I have so many triggers right now.  They cause heart palpitations, sweating, nausea, uncontrollable weeping, shaking, throwing up, stomach upset and worry.  I am learning to avoid the triggers that I can, but some are impossible to get away from.  

The top right picture is the Father’s Day card that I bought for Doug, when he was here and when he was being a father.  Neither of those apply now, so it goes into the trash.  No need for it. 

The second one on the top is Frannie in the back seat of the van.  When I opened the storage unit, which is the last picture on the bottom, she said “mom, daddy left us one big mess”.  

Yes he did Frannie.  

I had to go into Target to get Aaron’s meds.  Doug and I liked to walk around Target on our date days.  Then the end cap with Father’s Day stuff on it. They marked it down to get rid of it.  Kind of like Doug de-valued his fatherhood so he could walk away from us. 

Just the top headrest of Malachi’s wheelchair peeking out over the rubble.  He knew it would be very hard for me to get to it. 

That white box is my wedding dress.  Oh Jesus this is hard .

This is the view of the storage unit when I opened it.  As I tried to get to some boxes, some things fell on me.  He packed this stuff so tight that there is no way I can tell where things are.  It will take me days to sort through this.  He was in a hurry to unload so he could leave us with his mistress.  She picked him up here and they left.  He left the key for me at the front desk.  It was the last thing he touched, the last place he was near us.  He treated our things just like he treated us, with no care or gentleness, just piled up like trash with no value.   

This is harder than anything I could have ever imagined.  And I have been through some really hard stuff.  This beats all of it.  



Week One
June 26, 2017, 12:50 pm
Filed under: Family Life
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Doug and Frannie

 

He left us a little over a week ago. As I have thought and prayed about how on earth this happened, I have given up on trying to figure it out.  Well, most moments I have given up.  It is not “one day at a time” or even “one step at a time”, it’s one moment at a time.  Sometimes a moment is just a flash, less than one second.  That is all I have.  You see, evil is chaos, confusion, selfishness and being blinded by your excuses, being blinded from the truth. It makes no logical sense.  In some ways, being lured into trying to figure out evil, from a heart of love, is in itself an act of evil.  As someone who loves him still, I want to figure it out so I can help him, so I try to figure out a way to bring him back from the dark place he has chosen.  Trying to figure it out does nothing though, and it is a trap.  It tries to drag me down into the dark.  I cannot go into the dark.  I have children who depend on me and love me so purely.  They cannot be led to the dark and I am their light.  It is up to me and those who love us to show them love, to live love, even for him, even in our hurt.

 

He has a million excuses, a million false notions of reality.  He cannot seem to accept love or forgiveness or grace without suspicion.   He is turning into his own God, deciding how far love can go, who can be loved, what can be redeemed and what cannot.  How horrible it would be to be your own God.  What internal misery he must be living, even if he doesn’t know it, especially if he does not know it.  He is blinded, dripping with demons pestering him day and night, covering his eyes, suffocating his soul and wringing his heart of what true love really is.  He places blame on everyone else.  Love does not place blame.  He very literally has taken very human personality flaws and twisted them into an alter personality for me, for our children, and for our life.  The most cunning weapon of Satan is to take good and twist it into evil.  His most effective weapon I believe is taking evil and dressing it up as good.  If Dougs mistress would have waltzed into our home with horns, we would have recognized her intentions and thrown her out.  But she came in with a smile, with praying hands, with hugs, with comfort.  She is the most capable liar than I have ever even heard of, let alone experienced.  Satan is the father of lies, and she lets his children of deception flow freely.

 

I am not in any way saying that Doug is innocent, but he isn’t damned either.  He has good still left, it is just hidden.  I do not even know what to pray for these days.  So I pray for truth, clarity, strength and most of all, grace.  Things are still very very hard.  I cry often, when Zeke asks for him and looks out the window, it kills me inside.  My loneliness for the man I loved for 23 years, who I have shared life with for longer than not, is still a searing pain.

 

I am being taken care of though, maybe with an even more pure love.  God is sending his people.  Please keep coming.  I have my parents.  Nights are still wrenching, along with some moments during the day.  My pain is still even physical.  Grace found a picture of him and Frannie in a cookbook.  It was one of his favorites.  I still find his laundry mixed with ours.  Her handwriting still haunts me on different pieces of paperwork.  Our entire past now holds pain.  I pray someday it will lessen, because a whole lot of good, much more than the pain, is contained in our past.  Please keep praying, not only for us, but for him too. He needs it, because in the words of Frannie his “nice-ness died” and it did.  I seem to remember a particular story or two though, about my Savior being able to raise people from the dead.  I know this will be redeemed, and we will live a miracle, one way or another.



A Year Makes 
June 22, 2017, 2:20 am
Filed under: Family Life

My post last year on Fathers Day, and a friend commenting from this year.  Oh what a difference a year makes.   Please keep praying for all of us.  Doug is lost, he has forgotten who he is, whose he is, and listened to lies. 



A Gift 
June 21, 2017, 4:15 pm
Filed under: Family Life

Solomon is improving every single day. He is smiling, reaching, and kicking his feet. We know we have limited time with Sollie. We have no idea how long he will live. Everyday is a gift, but that is especially true for this one. I cannot imagine ANYTHING that would make me give up any of those days. #gambillbeautyfromashes #sollieissoloved 



Beauty from Ashes (and bed quilts)
June 21, 2017, 11:33 am
Filed under: Family Life

This also gets posted. I want to remember not just the most ugly part of evil attempting to ruin us, but then not just the good either, because Lord knows what he chose was not The Good. My God will redeem it for Good, but the process is HARD my friends. This is my bed, full of children who are breaking, not just once but over and over and over. The nights seem to be the hardest. We are tired and it takes effort to just get through the day. Building a whole new life with no notice, and missing two people whom you thought to be your biggest pillars of strength and truth, it’s hard. But my will to show them that love is alive and well and still chosen to be lived by us is so much stronger, for today at least. Forming beauty out of our broken hearts is not for us to do, but it is for us to ask for; receive; give thanks; and share. This bed was used in a set up to destroy us, and yes the most terrible happened. But the redemption will be much sweeter. Redemption is always bigger than the breaking. This breaking was the biggest I had ever known. It has been bigger than hospitalizations, surgeries, illnesses, and even death. We held onto our promises to God and each other through all those things. I know these grievances of pain against my children, I was familiar with their threat. We loved each other through them. So instead, not dressed in the familiar of autism or ventilators, but of a good friend in need, who hugged my children, and comforted me when I cried. I quite literally opened my door to HELL, dressed and disguised as love, but underneath was putrid with a rotting soul. I’m sharing too so it is documented well, the beginnings of our better way together. Because it will be so full of good, that maybe it will even be unbelievable. So once again, I write to save my life, and once again I will have my own trusted heart words to read and remind me always of the TRUTH; that my Christ never left us, and can redeem anything you ask. #2017gambillsummer #gambillbeautyfromashes



Bathtime swimtine 
June 21, 2017, 11:30 am
Filed under: Family Life

Just gonna apologize now… then it’s gonna be shameless posting for the foreseeable future. I’ve gotta keep the GOOD out in the front. Saturday swimming bath-time has arrived!

#theawesomegpossums #2017gambillsummer



Soaking Sollie 
June 21, 2017, 11:27 am
Filed under: Family Life

Sollie enjoying a good soak. I get these moments, Thank God